I once had a family of my own, and for a while, my husband and I were happy. That lasted right up until the baby was born.
After that, he drifted away from me. He started disappearing to hang out with his buddies or staying late at the office. No, I don't think there was another woman involved. He just turned out to be a shiftless father. Of course, as soon as our son grew up, he was all over him—taking him fishing, going to football games. He has absolutely no memory of all those sleepless nights I spent rocking the baby and shushing him while he cried, all just to make sure I didn't wake up "Daddy."
But my boy grew up and turned into a handsome young man, a self-sufficient teenager who is my absolute pride and joy. His father and I divorced several years ago, and I'm happy with that decision. It's one of the few choices I've made in my life that I would never want to change. I used to be a completely different person; I was constantly living on edge. Everything was on my shoulders—working full-time, looking after the kid, and somehow managing to keep the house spotless.
Now I'm on my own, and I have no desire to "strive" for anything anymore; I've realized I don't need a new relationship. My life is much calmer now, and I want to dedicate it to myself. I used to bend over backwards trying to please my husband and stay attractive for him, not to mention having to maintain a polished look for work. I worked for the kind of corporate firm where they'd fire you in a heartbeat if you didn't meet their grooming standards.
Looking back, I realize I should have been smarter and stepped back to let my husband step up. Instead, he saw that I was carrying the whole load myself and never felt the need to take the reins. And now, I can't help but remember one incredible story that I'm still ashamed of to this day—something I especially never want my son to find out.
***
I had an affair with my boss. He threatened to fire me, and I felt like I simply had no other choice. By that point, I was already disillusioned with my husband; I knew all too well that if I lost my job, he wouldn't provide for us. He would have just run back to his mother's house, leaving me and our son to fend for ourselves.
In fact, that's exactly what happened later—my husband did abandon us when I finally ran out of money. But that's not the point right now. I left that job the moment I made the final payment on my son's tuition loan. Sleeping with my boss was loathsome, and I'm not proud of it, mostly because he used me like an object. He never even asked if it was a good time for me.
He would just summon me to his office.
Whenever I tried to say I was buried in work and it would be better to meet another time, he would intimidate me. He played on my fears of being unemployed, and once, he even pointedly demoted me. That happened the one time I actually tried to tell him no. I walked straight into his office and told him I'd changed my mind. By the end of the workday, my position had been restored.
I knew there was no point in telling my friends, and there was no use complaining to anyone else. My family was raised with the kind of mindset where they would inevitably blame me, saying I must have provoked it. It felt even more "immoral" considering my boss was five years younger than me. Looking back at my life then, I just want to pity myself for not finding the strength to refuse him immediately—for enduring it all so many times.
In my naivety, I kept thinking that at some point he'd get bored and find a different victim. And if you think I got any special treatment or slack at work because of it, you're mistaken. I worked just as hard as everyone else.
The only "perk" for sleeping with him was that he didn't fire me, didn't cut my bonuses, and didn't demote me. I even had to apologize to him in front of everyone for things I hadn't even done. He explained his constant nitpicking as "cover." He claimed he acted that way so no one would suspect there was anything going on between us. Eventually, I just couldn't take it anymore and quit. I don't regret that, either.
Now, I've rid myself of two burdens in my life: a useless husband and a predatory boss.
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