Life was very difficult for us. Mom always worked two jobs, but there wasn’t enough money. Then she started doing business. There was money, but there was no home of their own.
Mom took out a loan and went bankrupt. We lost all our possessions and went to live with our grandmother in the village. They rented a house there. I’ve made a lot of friends. At that time I was 12 years old.
Two years later, a man came to us who called himself my father. It turned out that he had been in prison all this time. I was terrified and could not believe that this strange man in tattoos was my father. He asked my mother to sell her dorm room and promised to give 20 thousand for my education. Mom agreed, because we had problems with money. But I said that I didn’t need this money, we could live without it, and I went to my grandmother because I didn’t want to see this man. Mom went on a business trip, and he stayed to stay and help with the housework.
During another party, he stabbed a neighbor, and he was sent back to prison. They were given 12 years of special treatment. Now he writes letters to us and calls me his daughter, says that I am in his heart, that he has such a fate-a villain, and signs the letter: “Kiss! Father.”
And I don’t want to consider this man my father! Although they say that parents are not chosen. I wrote him a letter to get him off my back.
After a while, my grandmother allowed us to live in her city studio apartment, which was previously rented out. On weekends, I went with my mother to visit my grandmother in the village. I had friends there. Everyone respected me, but I wasn’t really friends with any guy. There were boys I dated for about a week. I didn’t live a sexual life.
Last summer, a terrible disaster happened to me in the village. In the evening I went for a walk with my girlfriend. We were sitting in our place near the store in the company of peers, stayed late. A Gazelle car drove up, a familiar guy got out of it, offered to go swimming on the river. Everyone agreed. He called me aside, said he liked me for a long time, and offered to be friends. But I knew that people spoke ill of him, that he was a womanizer, and I didn’t believe him.
Then everything happened very quickly. The car turned around and drove up to us. The door opened, someone grabbed my hands and pulled me into the cab, and he grabbed me from behind and pushed me into the car. Everything happened very quickly. Then he jumped in after her, and the car took off. There were five drunk adult guys in the car. I screamed and tried to escape, but they wouldn’t let me go. Then they took me to the forest. When the car stopped, four got out of the car, and this guy stayed. He beat me and raped me, beat my head against the car, grabbing my hair.
After that, he went out and invited the next one. The next one jumped in, already naked, and also beat me for a long time. I resisted, but he raped me anyway. After him, a third climbed in, also started shouting at me and beating me, but they didn’t let him rape me: they were afraid that I would die. Then they threw me out of the car and drove away.
How scared I was in the forest alone, half-naked, barefoot, beaten and trampled! They threatened me before they left: if I told someone, it would be worse that I wasn’t the first, that they had connections and nothing would happen to them, and I wouldn’t prove anything.
I didn’t want to live, but still I got out of the forest, cried for a long time, screamed, almost went crazy, but crawled home. I slowly opened the door, everyone was asleep. I took my mom’s pills, ate them all, then went out into the yard, found a piece of glass, climbed into the attic and tried to cut my veins, but I was exhausted and passed out.
When I woke up, it was already light. Mom thought that I stayed without permission to spend the night with a friend and wanted to scold, but when she saw me and heard my story, she immediately ran to the police.
The identities of these scum were established within three hours, because I was taken away in front of witnesses. They were arrested, but not all of them, only those who raped, the rest were witnesses, although none of them helped me or intervened. Together they testified how I was beaten and raped by these two. But I heard them standing and laughing near the car and one of them advised not to hit in the face so that there would be no bruises.
After that, I was placed in a mental hospital because I didn’t want to live, screamed at night, refused to eat and was afraid of the dark. I was in the hospital for a month. After treatment and a conversation with a psychologist, I calmed down a little. After me, my mother lay in the same neurosis department for a month, her legs did not walk.
The investigation lasted six months. There was a trial in December. These two were given four and a half years of general regime. The first did not admit his guilt, and the second said that he took me for a woman of easy virtue and did not know that I was 16 years old. The rest played the role of outraged witnesses. And now they live with a clear conscience, healthy, strong guys who did not protect, did not help.
The prosecutor filed for a gossip, and I’m so tired. All my friends and girlfriends turned away from me, except one. No one wanted to go either to the investigator or to the court. They were afraid.
Now I feel defiled. I don’t know how to live with it anymore. I found out what the betrayal of friends is. I don’t believe that there will be love in my destiny now, that I will be needed by someone. I’ve lost interest in life. I live because I feel very sorry for my mother.
A month ago I had a nervous breakdown again. I tried to die. She cut her veins in the bathroom, damaged the ulnar artery, lost a lot of blood. I was discovered in time and taken to the hospital, my arm was sewn up in intensive care under anesthesia. When I woke up, I was very scared. I was afraid for my mother, for my sister. I don’t want to die anymore. But the memories of these people do not let me live. I’m trying my best to forget everything.
Now I am studying in the correspondence department at school and work as a dishwasher in a cafe to help my mother, she has completely passed, she is sick. I don’t have a personal life, I don’t go anywhere, I don’t trust guys. And I don’t have any friends, except for one friend who treats life differently. She believes.
Help me, please! I want to have pen pals. Tell me how to live on, how to forget all this horror? I would like to believe in human kindness and justice.