Everything is wrong, it doesn’t work out. Or rather, it turns out, but not at all the way I dreamed. The feeling that life has deceived me does not leave me. Everything seems to be OK and there is no reason to be sad, but…
Saturday morning. The sun’s rays persistently break through the loosely drawn curtains, as if they want to say: “Wake up! Get up! A joyful, warm, wonderful new day!”
But I don’t believe them. And I don’t want to get up. I’ll turn my back to the wall, hug a pillow and reflect on my failed life. Although to some it may seem very successful. There is a groom in it who loves me madly. There is a permanent job, which at the same time is very well paid. It would seem that what else is needed for happiness?
“I don’t know, I don’t know what I need… — I answer myself with annoyance. “But there is no happiness.”
There are no good reasons for sadness. But then why is it so sad that I want to cry and feel sorry for myself, poor, unhappy?
Around 11:00, the mobile phone rang. The name “Pashka” appeared on the screen. My Pasha. There was no desire to talk. But the phone stubbornly kept ringing again and again.
“If I don’t answer, he’ll come rushing to find out what happened,” I thought.
—Hi, Pash,” she said into the phone.
— Well, finally! Why didn’t you answer? I was already getting worried. I thought something had happened. I was going to go save you.
— Calm down. Nothing happened.
– Yes? Well okay. See you tonight?
— Hardly. Most likely, it won’t work.
– why? Aren’t you sick?
I was tempted to lie that I was sick. To add the flu or, in extreme cases, a cold, to refer to a high temperature. But since school days, I have clearly learned a lesson: you can’t lie about your health, otherwise you will definitely get sick.
I remember I decided to skip the math test. I asked Grandma to write a note that on such and such a date I was absent from school because I felt bad..
— You can’t joke with your health. Grandma said. — Go to school!
I left the house. But I didn’t go to the test. She wrote the note herself, having forged the handwriting. And by the evening my temperature jumped. As a result, she spent a month with pneumonia.
— No, I’m not sick. I’m just going to visit Grandma in the evening. Why did I say that? Is unknown.
And the most incredible thing happened a little later, closer to lunch. Suddenly Grandma called and said:
— Lenochka, I baked some muffins. with jam. Come, I’ll treat you.
Mentally marveling at the coincidences, I packed up and went to visit my grandmother.
— Mmm, you’ll lick your fingers. — an hour later, smacking her lips with pleasure, she was eating a still warm muffin.
Grandma took a sip of herbal tea, looked at me carefully.
— What’s bothering you, Lena?
“Worried?” Me? What makes you think that?
— Granddaughter, don’t get too excited. I can see everything. You’re not at ease. Kind of lost, upset. Tell me.
— Grandma, you can’t hide anything from you.
— And why hide something? Well, tell me.
— Pasha made me an offer…
— Really? And what did you say to him?
— Nothing yet. I’ll probably say yes.
“Are you sure?” Granny asked.
— Well… yes. He’s good. Kind, caring. He will always support you in a difficult moment. This has already been tested on personal experience. Reliable.
I expected her to say, “How happy I am for you, granddaughter.” But Grandma was silent.
— And, I’m already 30, it’s enough to go to the girls, it’s time to go down the aisle, — she added jokingly, without waiting for any congratulations from her. Granny continued to examine the cup as if she had a work of art in her hands, and not ordinary dishes.
— Bah. I called out to her. — Why are you silent? Do you think I should marry Pashka?
I asked the last question just like that, not expecting any answer. Most likely, my subconscious gave him away. And Grandma suddenly said in an even voice:
– no. don’t go out.
– what? — I drawled dumbfounded.
—Don’t go out,— she repeated.
“Because you asked that question.”
— I don’t understand…
— You know, Lenochka, if you, without a moment’s hesitation, yelled “Yes!” at a man’s proposal, I would be very happy for you. But if there is even a drop of doubt, it is no longer love. And without love, marriage is doomed from the beginning.
— Grandma… — I jumped up, came closer, hugged the old woman from behind, buried my nose in her shoulder, cozy, smelling of home, — what should I do?
— Talk to him.
— What do I say? That I don’t love him?
— Well, why so abruptly. Don’t offend him. Just explain that you treat him very well, that you are warm and calm next to him, but this is dislike. If he’s not a fool, he’ll understand.
— I hope so…
We chatted for a long time about everything in the world, and about Pash, and about life in general. And when I was about to leave, Grandma said:
— But Pasha is not the whole problem, is he?
—Not all of them,— she nodded in agreement.
“What else?” Is there trouble at work?
“Not exactly trouble,” I grimaced. — The salary is paid on time, there is not much work. But boring, uninteresting. And the boss is a tyrant and a despot.
— So what’s keeping you there? In fact, everything is in your hands, don’t forget that.
— It’s not so easy to find a job now;
“Why look for her?”
— I don’t understand… — puzzled frowning, repeated for the second time that evening.
Remember how you once said: “When I graduate from college, I’ll open my own little coffee shop…”
— …and we will attract visitors with your buns. — chuckling, I finished the sentence for her
— Exactly. And I didn’t refuse then,” she remarked with a sly squint.
— I remember, Grandma, but it’s all very complicated. You have to go to the authorities…
— Who said it would be easy? Granny winked conspiratorially. — But what is interesting and not boring — without a doubt.
— Okay, I’ll think about your offer. I burst out laughing.
— What’s there to think about? Here it is necessary to act, not to reflect. — the old lady gave out in a confident tone.
— What a busy granny I have!
— And then! She smiled slyly. — We haven’t discussed the issue of my salary yet. And what my position will be called is also important. I don’t want to be a simple pastry chef, but I will agree to be some kind of head of a confectionery shop.
— The boss? Workshops? Well, you’re bent. Let me at least find out what papers need to be prepared first. And in general, maybe this is an unrealistic idea.
— Real. I believe in you.
The first thing I did when I left my grandmother’s was to call Pasha, ask for a meeting, and say we need to talk.
— Pasha, I treat you very well. You’re my best friend… — I started when we met.
I can’t say that he was happy when he understood the essence of the conversation. But at least I tried to understand. We broke up, but we remained friends.
And the next day, without delaying the matter, I went to investigate the authorities: to find out what needs to be done to become a private entrepreneur and open my own business. And there were no other options: grandma believes in me, and I can’t let her down!