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My drinking daughter

My baby, my girl, my 19-year-old kitten is drinking! Our family is sober. I raised my daughter alone, lived with my dad (mom died early). She grew up very sickly. While I went to kindergarten, I was on sick leave every month, we were registered at the oncological dispensary for a year, but everything turned out fine, thank God. I made every effort to make the child grow up healthy, strong, versatile. Every weekend we had a cultural program: then to the park, then to the zoo, then to nature…

I worked, and after school she was always under the supervision of her grandfather. Dad died in 2016. Just my daughter had a graduation class. I postponed every prize for her preparation for the Unified State Exam: my daughter went to a tutor twice a week and on Sundays to two universities for preparatory courses. I passed the exam in 2017 well — I scored 170 points, but I didn’t go anywhere for free. She had such confused eyes that I decided: we will study for a fee.
I took out a bank loan again and started looking for a second job. Found. She left at seven in the morning, came at nine in the evening exhausted. I left her money for travel and food every day. When I returned home in the evenings, sometimes she was already asleep, and sometimes she opened the door, staggering, and answered my perplexity: «We drank a cocktail.»

The first swallow arrived in the form of a letter from the university with an invitation to the meeting. The deputy dean said that the parents of those students who definitely will not pass the session were called, since they have a lot of tails, absenteeism and no admission to certification. How ashamed I was! I deny myself everything, I work two jobs, and she doesn’t go to college. I came home and gave her a dressing down. In short, she passed the session with tails, forbade me to call the university to find out the results of the session, they say, do not embarrass me.

The holidays have passed, I have paid for the second semester. I will never forget the day of February 8th: she called in the evening drunk and said that she would not come to spend the night.

I say, «Is there anyone with you?»

There was a sober guy, he told me the address. Well, at least on the next street, thank you for helping to bring her home, she could barely stand on her feet, she was aggressive — horror! The next day I apologized, in general, after the holidays, truancy began again. How much effort I made then to keep her studying! She promised. But the head of the group called me — my daughter almost did not appear at the institute.

When she turned 18, she seemed to break loose. I come home in the evening — at least hang an axe there from smoking and fumes, and she is sleeping with a blanket over her head. The first time she did not come to spend the night on March 8 and did not even tell where she was and with whom. It was such a gift to me. I spent the whole night in excitement and suspense. Then the daughter said that she went to the cinema with the boy at night — they say, if she had told me, I would not have let her go.
I’m at work all day, and she’s her own mistress — apparently, she’s made friends with the same truants and does what she wants. He was expelled in April 2018. She didn’t drink for a couple of months, she became very quiet, I calmed down a little. In June, I got her a job in food production. I drank half of the money I allocated for the registration of a medical book. I got a job, worked for two months and quit. I got the payment — and let’s go for a walk again. I couldn’t figure out what was going on. I begged her to tell me what happened. Maybe someone offended her?

— Tell me, — I asked, — we will cope with this together, I will try to understand you. I love you and I will always forgive you everything.

And she would turn to the window, put her hands over her ears and say: — Again? I won’t talk to you about it.

One day I come home from work, the door is latched, but the eye does not open. I called her home phone and her cell phone, banged on the iron door, knocked on the window with a stick (we live on the ground floor) — she didn’t unlock it for me. I went with a bag to a neighbor, sat there for two hours. Finally, my daughter opened up to me. It turns out that she got drunk before my arrival and fell asleep.

What I went through that summer! She became very closed: «don’t say anything about my friends,» «you don’t know anything about me.» But I fought, I said I wouldn’t let her drink.

And she once said: — At least you’re still fighting…

I thought she approved of it. In August 2018, my boss offered to arrange for my daughter to join our organization so that she would be under my supervision.

My daughter passed the interview, she liked it here, even said:
— Mom, I felt like a human being here!

I had to pass a medical examination and I gave her money.

She calls after lunch and says in a drunken voice:
— We have a hurricane here, I’m going to the hospital tomorrow.

I realized that I would be ashamed of her at work, and I didn’t want to let the manager down — I worked at this company for 28 years. I had to give up the place. So she then reproached me for depriving her of her job. And that’s when I first wanted to get drunk on pills and die.

Thanks to the people I talked to about this. They believe that they need to be patient for two years: they will get over it. It will become smarter, and everything will pass. It really supported me, and then my hands dropped.

First, I turned to the church. It helped a lot. I prayed, bowed to the icon of the «Inexhaustible Chalice», which was brought to us. Secondly, I tried not to lose heart, drank sedatives.
I will not describe everything in detail. There was another institute (everything ended the same way), several more jobs that I found for her and from which she ran away after the first advance.

And when she pawned the family gold and silver and immediately skipped with friends, I cut the lock into my room: I was afraid for the apartment documents — she would sign drunk, and we would end up on the street.

The year 2019 also passed. The daughter does not work and does not study. My dad started working at the age of 14 because he was left an orphan, my mother grew up in a large family in the village — they know the value of labor since childhood, I started working at the age of 17. And she only climbs into the refrigerator. He sits at the computer at night and sleeps all day. Somehow I couldn’t stand it — I yelled at her about work again.

And she calmly tells me: — I’ll call the police now. — and smiles.

On the other hand, I’m afraid that it will work, and drink all the pay, so it’s better not to let it work.

Of course, I see small progress compared to 2011. She began to clean her room, sometimes she cooks. He doesn’t drink as thoughtlessly as before, but now he drinks weekly and spends the night in a different place so that I don’t see. One day it was like something clicked in my chest, I felt so sorry for her.

I hugged my daughter and said softly: — You don’t understand what’s happening to you.

She went quiet in my arms. And it’s like love has returned to us. We already communicate in a different way, more or less find mutual understanding. But these are her sleepovers… When she comes after them with a fume smell all over the apartment, with money in her pocket, I have a certain opinion on this, and she says that I think too badly about her.
How much and stupidly I have scribbled. But this is my pain.

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- Well, here we go again, - Vera moaned and, throwing off the blanket, ran into the bathroom. On the...

- Well, here we go again, - Vera moaned and,...

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