When my mother became pregnant with her fifth child, all the relatives tried to dissuade her. But she never had an abortion. That’s how I was born…
When I was three years old, my father left us for another woman. My mother began to disappear at work, and my older brothers and sisters were not up to me at all.
When the older brother returned from the army, he began to drink black,» constantly arranging debauchery. He could have broken our window in the middle of the night because we didn’t open the door for him out of fear. Once he almost strangled his sister in front of me.
I woke up in fear, fell asleep in fear, lived in fear. I even had thoughts of killing my brother while he was sleeping, so that no one else would suffer from him.
This continued until I was 11 years old.
One fine day, my aunt arrived, seeing my condition, she took me to her city. I’ve started a new life. From a downtrodden and fearful child, I gradually turned into a pretty, brave girl.
When I turned 16, I met a guy. His name was Igor. He was a year older than me. Because of my sad childhood, I compared all the guys to my brother and intuitively chose someone who was not like him in any way. Igor turned out to be exactly who I was looking for. He was kind, sweet, didn’t drink, worked part-time at the age of 17 and helped his mother. They lived together. He had a brother, but he lived far away from them with his family. Their father died when Igor was little.
We met with him for six months. My aunt knew about our relationship with him and constantly told me to have a head on my shoulders,» meaning that I did not enter into sexual intimacy with him. I wasn’t going to. After six months of our relationship, we were more often alone. Igor knew that I was a virgin and did not insist on a serious relationship. We were both afraid of responsibility. We were kids.
I went to school, where I was checked by a gynecologist every year. Most of all, I was afraid that if I slept with him, the gynecologist would find out and inform my aunt, and she, in turn, would send me back to the hell from which she took me.
One summer, my mother called me to help make repairs. She was offended that I, her own daughter, had not visited her for several years. All my older brothers and sister had left by that time. That brother got married. Of course, he didn’t stop drinking, but he went to work and calmed down. I decided to go literally for a week, which became fatal for me.
Our village was located in a rough wilderness, where it was very difficult to get to. The village was in a dilapidated state. There were abandoned houses at every step, and there was no lighting at all. The population there consisted of pensioners and young people who were still in school. There were practically no guys in the village, but there were enough girls. The guys came from neighboring villages. They rode around the village every evening like hunters, looking for a new victim.»
Apparently, I turned out to be her when the local girls, my former classmates, dragged me to a disco. I was wearing tight jeans and a light top. Among the locals, I felt like a black sheep in the literal sense — white. The village was located on the bank of the river. In summer, all residents wore a bright brown tan. And I, a child of civilization, had pale skin color and blond hair. Visitors were like curiosities to them.
That evening, the girls and I decided to go for a walk, leaving the club, several guys joined us. We walked along the street, which was terribly long and deserted for a small village. Suddenly, all the girls who were with me went off in pairs with these guys, as if they had agreed on it in advance. They left me with the most audacious and arrogant of all, referring to the fact that he would take me home. But it seemed to me then that it took forever to get to my house.
He was much older than me and obviously wasn’t going to take me home right away. I was terribly scared when we passed by the old ruins, there was a forest behind, and there was not a single house on the edges for tens of meters. He was having some kind of flattering conversation about me being so sexy and beautiful. I didn’t like it. He started such a frank topic too quickly. He tried to take my hand, at that moment I rushed to run towards the forest, hoping to hide there in the bushes. I was ruled by fear and childish naivety. But he caught up with me literally right away. Where did you run to? I won’t hurt you. Don’t be afraid!» — he said.
I was crying, and he covered me with his jacket and brought me home, almost silently. I was terribly angry at myself then: — that stupid girl, I was imagining things to myself, I was disgraced — I thought. After all, if he had bad intentions, he would have realized everything at once, and would not have comforted me and escorted me home.
A few days later, the girls persuaded me to go out and sit near the yard. They assured us that we would be alone. I listened to the fool, believed, came out. We were sitting not quite near the house, but 300 meters away from it, there was a comfortable bench there. Suddenly, a car drove up, in which the same guy was sitting. (I didn’t tell anyone about that incident). But the girls got up again and allegedly wanted to go to the toilet, left me with him. I wanted to go with them, but he took my hand and dragged me into the car. — Sit down, let’s go for a ride. Don’t be afraid, I won’t touch you. I’ll show you my village.» It was useless to shout. I have already realized that the girls will not help me, because they themselves are terrified of him and are not going to get involved. And in
this remote village, no one will hear me.
Before I knew it, we were already driving out of the village. Naturally, I started to panic. I started to worry and asked him to take me home, but he didn’t seem to hear me. We drove to another village, which was 5-7 kilometers from my house, drove around it and drove back. Then my terrible fears began to be confirmed. We stopped in the middle of a country road. He began to climb over to me in the back seat. I started screaming. He threatened me that if I resisted, he would call his friends and give me to them. I knew that 5 cars full of hungry men were driving around the village, having presented the whole picture, I fell silent. I endured his abuse with bitterness and disgust. Oddly enough, it didn’t hurt at all for the first time. Then I understood why he didn’t do it last time. He was afraid that someone might see, and there was no risk here in the steppe.
When this nightmare was over, he took me home, as if nothing had ever happened. The first thing I wanted to do was go to the police. What kind of police are there? A drunk precinct officer? Moreover, when I went home, I saw that my mother was asleep. I was ashamed to wake her up and tell her all this. I cried all night. The next morning I decided that I wouldn’t tell anyone and would go to my aunt.
3 weeks have passed since returning to the city. I was ashamed to look into Igor’s eyes. I wanted to break off relations with him so that he would never find out. But when I woke up in the morning, I felt incredibly sick. The slightest smell made me sick. I bought a pregnancy test at the pharmacy, did it, and was horrified to see two strips.
What should I do now? I am pregnant by a rapist and I am only 16 years old. What will happen to Igor now?» — all these thoughts plus toxicosis gave me no peace. It was depressing that I couldn’t tell anyone about it, not even my mom and aunt. Tell everyone and embarrass yourself? Proceedings and courts will begin. I didn’t want this kind of life for myself at all. I saw only one way out of this situation — to sleep with Igor and tell him that he is the father of this child.
That evening, my aunt stayed on night duty. And I called Igor, referring to the fact that I’m afraid to spend the night alone. She said we’d watch a movie. I chose a film with erotic content, where there were many bed scenes. It played its part. I saw how he was straining and restraining himself. We started kissing, gradually taking off each other’s clothes. At some point he stopped, doubting the correctness of his actions, but I whispered that I wanted him.
2 weeks have passed since that night. The moment has come to tell Igor the shocking news that I am pregnant and he will soon become a father. — How? How is it so fast the first time? — he was surprised. — Well, sometimes we should have protected ourselves, — I blurted out.
— What are we going to do now? They’ll put me in jail!» — Igor panicked.
— «They won’t put you in jail. Can we get married?» I suggested.
«What about your studies?» Igor asked indignantly. He showed with all his appearance that he was not happy with such news.
I didn’t expect such a reaction from him. I thought he would support instead of whining.
What did you want, you stupid, heartless girl?» — I thought then.
I’ll have an abortion and that’s it, I’ll forget about it as a terrible dream — black thoughts haunted me.
Why do I need a child at 16? I haven’t even lived for myself yet.»
My aunt came home from work and found me in tears. I couldn’t hide it anymore, sooner or later, it would become obvious anyway.
«Igor is the father?» my aunt asked, looking into my eyes insinuatingly. I nodded silently and looked away. I was so hurt and disgusted by my own lies that I wanted to sink through the ground. I sobbed even harder, and my aunt hugged me with the words: — well, baby, you can’t be so nervous right now. Why are you crying? Does Igor already know about this?»
I nodded again, sobbing and swallowing bitter tears.
— What should I do now, Aunt? I asked her, hoping for help. — Igor was not happy to hear such news.
— Give birth! Aunt smiled.
By that time I had to go to the 11th grade, but I just couldn’t go to school. My classmates wouldn’t understand me, and I was ashamed to catch their eye. I practically didn’t go anywhere. My aunt and I went to school and wrote an application for transfer to distance learning. I was an excellent student, and the director met me halfway.
The last time we talked to Igor was a week ago. He asked how my health was and said he hadn’t said anything to his mom yet, but he had to do it.
When the second and third month began, I had to register. Their hospital rules were such that when people like me show up, they have to report to the police. The showdown began. What? When? Why? What for? His mother was furious. I knew her as a nice woman, although personally, we only met a couple of times. I knew what she was thinking about me at that moment. She thought that I had a baby, and her son, who was incapable of it, I tried to fool her. After all, if a girl is pregnant at the age of 16, then she is an irresponsible and frivolous person. To some extent, she was right, but I didn’t have a baby, and I was forced to do so. I couldn’t admit it to them.
The police started checking on the fact that I lived with my aunt, and not with my mother. They threatened to deprive her of her parental rights for not looking after her daughter. But the medal that the mother was awarded for having many children played a role.
None of my brothers and sisters came to me at such a difficult moment. By that time they were already living with their families and, as usual, they didn’t care about me. I’ve been like an ugly duckling to them all my life, and even more so now. In the end, both Aunt Masha (Igor’s mom) and my aunt and mom decided to marry him and me. There was nothing to do. He obviously didn’t want to, but he couldn’t disobey his mother. Of course, there was no wedding or evening. We just applied to the registry office, having collected all the necessary certificates and permits, and our family life began.
I was shocked by how these two people — Igor and his mother — had changed. He turned out to be completely a mama’s boy, and she showed her true cobra face. She just hated me, because I had to move in with them.
All the responsibilities of the house fell on me. Everything would be fine, maybe it should be, but my pregnancy was very difficult. Toxicosis did not come, my back hurt terribly, my legs cramped. I couldn’t eat properly and was chronically tired. They didn’t seem to notice anything about it. The mother-in-law poured a ton of perfume on herself and demanded to do the housework perfectly.
Igor, sensing a taste for family life, harassed and forced to share a bed with him every night. From a sweet and kind boy, he turned into a cold and duplicitous, quiet tormentor.
I endured everything because it was all my fault. If I had had an abortion at the very beginning, there would not have been all this hell.
One day something happened that I could only dream about in a terrible nightmare. Their eldest son and Igor’s brother, Vitya, came to them. He divorced his wife and had nowhere to live. And he got divorced because of his passion for alcohol. It’s like I’m back in my childhood. I was tormented by nightmares at night, and during the day his eternally drunk face looked at me with withering eyes.
I almost fainted from the fact that I would have to be alone with Vitya, since Igor got a job. He graduated from school just this year, they did not take him into the army for health reasons, and since we could no longer live on Aunt Masha’s salary alone, they found him a place at the factory. Vitya was not going to go to work. He washed down his grief, his breakup with his wife. Aunt Masha indulged him in everything, pitied her son in her own way.
When they left for work, I was shackled by fear. I locked myself in my room so as not to see his drunken face. But I had to do everything around the house before the arrival of my mother—in-law and Igor — cook, eat, clean up. I was waiting for the movement and noise to subside — it means Vitya is asleep, then I went to do my business.
After some time of our living together, I calmed down a little. Vitya did not rowdy like my brother. He got drunk and slept, got drunk and slept again. I became more confident to feel alone with him and could do something when he was awake. Well, then everything went wrong. I started to catch his eyes on me. Moreover, the look was not ordinary, but lustful.
That day I felt very bad and decided to rest a little during the day — I lay down and fell asleep. I woke up from the fact that someone was groping my chest. I opened my eyes and saw a drunk Vitya. Terrified, I wanted to get out of bed, but he pushed and attacked me. I started screaming and resisting, but he was much stronger than me. At some point, I remembered that first incident that ruined my whole life. I told myself that this time I would not let myself be offended, no matter what it cost me. I reached for the statuette that was standing on the bedside table and hit Vitya on the head several times with all my might. He loosened his grip and I managed to break free and get out of bed. He quickly recovered from the blow and looked at me with rage. He seemed ready to kill me. I started to run, but I tripped over the threshold and fell. At the same moment, I felt an unbearable pain in my lower abdomen. I closed my eyes and fainted.
When I opened my eyes in the ward, I saw my mother and aunt. They sat and looked at me anxiously. I saw that my noticeably rounded tummy had disappeared by that time. I wanted to say something, but I couldn’t say a word, I was very weak. The doctor came in, looking at me, smiled. I’m awake!» he rejoiced. We managed to save the child. Congratulations, you have a girl!»
It turns out that my water broke from the blow and I urgently had a Caesarean section at the age of 7 months. Thank God that Vitya had the sense to call an ambulance. Otherwise, my daughter and I would have been gone.
Vera (that’s what I called my daughter) was in a special incubator that maintained the necessary temperature. I was not allowed to see her at first, because there was a high risk of infecting the baby with various infections. They also fed her with special devices, amino acid solutions and glucose. Her body weight was only 1 kg 700 g. But as the doctors said, Vera is a very strong baby and is quickly gaining the necessary weight. I was looking forward to it.
It was so strange to experience maternal feelings, unusual, but very pleasant. Igor, in my opinion, did not feel paternal feelings at all. He came to visit me once when I woke up. Vitya, as it turned out, did not tell them anything that happened on that ill-fated day. And when I told Igor about everything that happened, he didn’t believe me.
He couldn’t! Yes, I’m having a difficult time in his life right now, but he couldn’t do that!» — Igor proved to me.
After Igor left, Aunt Masha came a day later. Apparently Igor told her too. Vitya denied everything, of course, and she believed her son, and not the impudent brat who broke into her life with her problems.
She came to the hospital, started yelling at me and accusing me of seducing her unfortunate Vitenka. What exactly was I, specially twisting my tail in front of him,» and he is a man, and divorced. She had a real tantrum. She was afraid that I would write a statement about an attempted rape on Vitya.
Of course I’m a kind soul, I didn’t do that either. I decided that I would raise Vera alone. With this family, everything became clear to me.
I wasn’t going to go back to this madhouse. Moreover, we were not particularly expected there. I realized that this is only my destiny. In the end, Igor was not to blame for anything.
Verochka grew by leaps and bounds. I didn’t feel disgusted with her because she was from a rapist.
Being pregnant, sometimes I just hated her and at the same time scolded myself. After all, it was my daughter too.
But when I saw her, everything changed. I am happy, despite all that I had to go through.
When Igor came to visit us, I told him that I intended to divorce him as soon as possible. I confessed to him that it wasn’t his daughter. Of course I told him I had stopped loving him. That I cheated on him that summer. That I used him. He said he guessed it and left.
A month later, Vera and I were transferred to the ward. I was able to breastfeed her. All the time I was pumping milk to save it for her. Good nutrition and careful care of the baby helped to gain weight and we were discharged.
During my stay in the hospital, my older sister called me and offered to live with her on the condition that I would sit with their son. She and her husband have opened their own small business, and there is no one to leave the baby with.
I agreed. Did I have a choice?
My mother began to come to us more often, and my aunt came sometimes.
I received an allowance for Verochka, in a short period of time I mastered the skills of a freelancer and made good money on the Internet. This allowed me not to depend on anyone financially.
I stopped being offended by my brothers and sisters and went to contact them myself, after all, we are relatives. Only I don’t talk to my older brother.
Igor and I were divorced. I have already turned 17 years old. I plan to enroll in distance learning. A child is absolutely not an obstacle to a better life and everything is just beginning with Vera and me!